Arguing

Arguments happen.  We are all start from different places.  No two journeys are the same.  Your truth is not my truth; nor will it be the same truth as that of your best-friend or lover.  When you have a child, you will find things mattering that you may have felt indifferent about before.  Nothing brings out strong opinions like becoming a parent.  As the new boss in town with at least one very new life to manage beyond your own; new found responsibilities push you to take charge.  The thing is generally speaking it takes two to make a baby.  So if there are two parents in the house it's not unreasonable to think there might be two different notions on just exactly what is best for the child(ren).  And when parents disagree about anything to do with their child, things can get heated.

Just remember who you are trying to protect (hint: your baby) and keep things calm in front of your children.  Failing that, say sorry (to your child for being scary in front of them).  And make up with your partner in front of your child.  Mommy and Daddy may have argued with each other but your child needs to see more than just what happens when people are angry.  Your child needs to see what forgiveness looks like.  What it looks like to apologize.  To hug it out. To kiss and make up.

When things come up I recommend trying to talk about it without your child in the same room.  That way the adults in charge can have a chance to talk over why they think what is best is best.  Even if you don't start out in agreement hopefully through honest discussion a consensus can be worked out.  That way the two of you can show a united front on everything from when bedtime is to what's ok for the kids to eat and anything else you may not have thought might be a point of contention before.

Don't take the lazy way out and refer your child to seek a yes or a no from your partner.  If you don't know if your spouse would be ok with something it's more than acceptable to say "I don't know let me talk to mommy (or daddy as the case may be) about it first."  Not all questions need to be answered the moment your child asks them.

Divorce

Realizing that forever was overly optimistic can be devastating for any adult.  It's hard to think that someone you have invested so much of yourself into will no longer be part of the picture.  But if you had a kid with your spouse before coming to the awful realization that marriage isn't working... I've got bad news for you.  You can move to opposite ends of the earth and still not be done.  A child links people together just by being.  Children being made of equal parts mom and dad will remind you of your ex when you have custody and will be on your mind when they are not in your custody.  I mean, you know your ex, you don't want to spend time with that person, yet you are compelled to allow them to spend time with your offspring.

And as big a pain in the ass as divorce can be for the adults in question, it can be a whole lot worse for the children who's family is no longer whole.  It's earth shattering.  Home doesn't feel safe if you feel like there is a war being waged.  Many children don't understand what went wrong and blame themselves. 

Don't let your child feel like it's their fault (even if you think it is*), let your child know that he or she is still loved.  Mommy and Daddy may not be friends with each other but Mommy and Daddy BOTH still love you.  This may require repetition.  

You may feel like venting about your ex.  This is fine and normal.  Go talk to your friends about it.  Don't vent to your child!  Children don't need that kind of stress.  And you will have a better relationship with your child if you keep parental politics out of the picture. 

And what ever you do try to keep any confrontations you may have with your (ex) spouse out of sight and preferably out of earshot of your child.  Witnessing your parents fighting with each other is terrifying and traumatic.

*if you think this is you're child's fault I recommend counseling for yourself and for your child (individual counseling)

Boobs and bottles

At the hospital when they asked me if I would be breast feeding, the way they asked felt like:

 "do you love your baby?" 

Yes! So, I guess yes...

And so I did, it wasn't easy at first but we finally made it work.

Would a bottle have been easier? No question, it would have been easier, both short term and long term.

But all the medical professionals I interacted with made it clear that "breast is best" when it comes to baby's health.  (My pediatrician recommended breastfeeding for the first two years.) Not to mention the benefit to mom.  If you gained more weight than you wanted during pregnancy your baby will help out with that by drinking caloric rich breast milk.  Thus transferring your bonus calories to someone who needs them more than you.  Breast feeding can also (when things are going right) be relaxing and pleasant.  You don't have to buy it or take care of how you store it and you don't really run out.  The body works to make supply match up with demand.

You will never forget your boobs at home.  But you will also not be able to pass a boob to your child if you are driving and they are in a car-seat in the back of your car.  Though if you are particularly well endowed you might be able to make the reach if you are sitting in the back next to your baby.  (Though this is not a pleasant option.

If you have time breast pumping is an option that makes bottles look fairly nice even if it's not quite the same bonding experience as breast feeding.  It is at least the same nutritional content.  Which is good because apparently breast milk is this magical liquid that isn't fully understood, but is definitely good.

But what if you can't be there to breast feed and you don't have time to pump?   What if you do pump but ran out of milk for your hungry baby? Well baby formula still an option.  

And bottle feeding has the advantage of being something that you can do any time any place.  No creepers leering at you.  No ultra conservatives looking at you askance.  No strange children overly interested in a baby that is currently attached to your chest.  

Just remember that once you put the powder in the water it's only good for two hours.  (Then you have to dump it)  There are liquid formulas that are easier to use but they cost more too.  Not to mention the maintenance of cleaning bottles and having enough with you at all times; just in case.

The important thing to remember is that you know best what makes the most sense for your circumstances.  Don't let others try to make you feel bad for how you feed your baby.  For there will be people on both sides of the argument (and it is an argument) who will be more than happy to try to make you feel bad which ever way you go on this rather personal decision.

Judgement from strangers

If you thought walking a dog was an amazing way to get strangers to randomly decide to talk to you, just wait till you take a baby for a walk.

Everywhere you go with your child, people will look at you, and look at your child.  And without knowing anything more than how you look they will form an opinion about you and if you are doing a good job or a bad job.

Is your child a little too old or too young for this venue?  As the parent you know the maturity level of your child.  But strangers will still feel free to let you know if they think you have gone astray from what they think is age appropriate for your child, even if they are not entirely sure what age your child is.

How your child is dressed, too warm too cold?  Should your child have a hat on?  (did your child just take off what you put on them?  Strangers may not know or care.)  Is your child in costume even though Halloween is not even near?  When kids start dressing themselves you may be in for interesting times.

Feeding a child where others can see? They will have an opinion on that as well.  It doesn't matter if you are breast feeding or handing your baby a bottle.  People will think you either shouldn't be doing that in public or you're being a bad mom for not breast feeding.  Hand your child a snack they can munch?  People will have thoughts on if the food you are giving your kid (to keep them from crying in hunger) is a good choice.

I figure as long as you are doing your utmost to be the best parent you can, you don't need the input of strangers.

Me time

True being a stay at home mom is the ultimate 24/7 job, but that doesn't mean that it's unreasonable to need some down time to yourself.  The important thing is making sure your baby is with someone you trust to see to all the needs that your baby has while you take a little time for yourself.  That way you are not spending your precious down time agonizing over how your baby is doing while you are not in the room.

To decide to shoulder the burden entirely by yourself is a great way to burn yourself out and become an emotional wreck. (At which point you are no good for yourself let alone your baby.)

You of course know best as for who counts as suitable adult supervision.  Myself, I turn to my husband first, and have the good fortune of knowing that if needed my brother or my mother can give my son the attention he needs while I take care of myself.

What do I mean by taking care of myself?
It could be something as simple as taking a longer bath or shower than I would normally have time for.  Or as big as taking my husband on a date (with out the baby).  Though going out with the baby can be fun, it's good to be able to spend some quality time with one's spouse without baby interruptions.

Your sanity is important.  So though it can be hard to find time for yourself once you begin the epic journey of parenthood; do yourself and your loved ones a favor.  Make time for yourself.  If you are happy, you will have a better chance of making those around you happy as well.

Pregnancy Cravings

Everyone is different but we are all human.  So differences will be there but on this note ladies have more in common with each other than one might want to admit.  For though I never wanted to eat the stereotypical pickles and ice-cream in one sitting, individually they were both things I required while pregnant.

Now for those of you who have never been pregnant let me explain the difference between a food craving you might have on your own vs. the food cravings of pregnancy.  And it is this:  if you are not pregnant it is possible to ignore or redirect a food craving.  You want one thing but you might settle for something else.  When pregnant you need a specific food and nothing short of having it will change your status.

Now when pregnant it is not uncommon to want foods you normally don't want.  I for example have little to no interest french toast.  However when I was pregnant I was relentless in it's pursuit.  I normally don't eat ice-cream, but when I was pregnant the mere thought of having to wait for ice-cream was enough to make me weep.

I remember one pregnant day I thought to myself:
"I want butter"
"But you can't have just butter, that doesn't make sense..."
"OK I'll have my butter on bread"
"Man why did I cut the bread so thick?"
"This is way too much bread for this butter"
and then I popped the last bite into my mouth
"Oh dear god in heaven! Why is there so much butter on my bread? Yuck!"

Pregnancy cravings, there one moment and then once filled gone in an instant.
And as inconvenient as it may be to deal with someone who is going through this, it is even harder to be the one experiencing it first hand.  So give pregnant ladies some slack,  they are building a whole person after all.  You're crazy if you don't think that this is hard work.

Keeping it interesting

You have a baby. Fantastic!  So now what do you do?  Games of "where's the baby" aka Peek-a-boo only take so long.  So what can you do that is interesting for you and good for your baby too?

For starters get out of the house, go for a walk. Parks are a free way to get baby closer to nature.  And many libraries have some form of weekly story time you can take your child to. which can be a great way to meet other moms with kids the same age as yours, not to mention a chance for your child to see other kids.  And depending on what's near you, museums, aquariums, and zoos can be a fun way to shake things up.

Want time to read a book/ magazine/ newspaper/ what ever?  Try reading it out loud.  In the beginning it doesn't matter so much what you read, the thing that matters is that you read.

Whatever you do, don't forget that you and the baby are mobile.  Baby-packs, strollers & car-seats help you move baby along with you from point A to point B.  Most forms of public transit will allow a small child to ride free with a fair paying adult.  So get out there and seize the day.

As ready as you can get

If you have never had a child before and you are considering going on the journey of baby making there are somethings you will want to get done before "getting down and dirty" with you're partner.

Aside from getting your finances in order.  There is prep-work to do:

So ladies go to the dentist.  You don't want to get x-rays or drugs while pregnant.   Smoking is off limits for you and those who live with you. It's also a good idea to kick the caffeine addiction if you have one and to teetotal for as long as you are pregnant/ attempting to become pregnant and to continue with that for as long as you are a food source for you child.  It's also a good idea to start taking prenatal vitamins a month or two before you intend to begin trying for a baby.  And stay hydrated.

You will also want to get any labor intensive projects done before you begin (or at least before the third trimester of) project baby.  The third trimester of pregnancy can be exhausting and once the baby shows up there isn't much time or energy for non-essentials. I completely forgot about my garden after the baby showed up.

I would also recommend getting your food situation worked out so that you don't have to spend time cooking at a stove top.  Infants eat every two hours; so spend your time wisely.  It's hard to go wrong with a freezer full of food that only needs to be heated up.

Luckily you have until your baby is able to rollover before you have to go nuts with the baby-proofing.

Postpartum Depression

Postpartum Depression also known as PPD sounds serious and scary. The act of giving birth can be dangerous and even if you experience no complications can still be terrifying.  All new moms could use an abundance of love a support from their friends and family.
Everyone is different and your experiences will very.  Not just as an individual but each time you go through the processes of creating a new life.

I remember the first time I lay eyes on my little boy,  it was love at first sight.  Happiness and relief. We were alive! We made it.  I was also exhausted.  Too tired to think straight.  It had be a long hard journey to get here but at least I was in the clear, or so I thought.

After the celebration had died down and the well wishers had gone back to the hum of their daily lives, after paternity leave was over.  I was home alone with my son.  And though you might argue that if I had my baby in my arms, that I wasn't really alone.  While a three month old is definitely a person, a three month old is not much for conversation.  And while I did talk to my baby, I felt more than a little barmy doing so.  What I needed was time with my friends.  Friends who were busy with lives of there own.  Long hours at jobs and chores to be done.  No one had time for me, not even myself.  I felt sad and alone.  I felt like my time was not my own.  Being a caregiver 24/7 is not as easy as it may look.

Not every day was dismal.  Some days were just fine.  Some days though I would find myself in tears without knowing why.  And it's hard when you reach out to friends and get little more than "Postpartum's a Bitch".  Yes it is, and if you were actually my friend you would have picked up the phone when I called rather than keeping our conversations text based and online.

You don't know what tired is until you have needed to breast feed a child every two hours regardless of day or night.

It was clear I needed some new friends.  Friends who knew what I was going through first hand.  I joined my local mother's club.  I don't know why I didn't do that sooner. Spending time with other stay at home moms made a huge difference in my mental well-being.

Another thing I did that helped was I started a daily photo journal of what made me happy. As the days passed it got easier.  And as unexpectedly as the unprovoked sorrow had come, it was gone.  I was me again.

Not safe

Child birth may be called labor, but to call it a battle would be more accurate in my opinion. In ancient Sparta women who died in childbirth were awarded the same posthumous honor that was awarded men who fell in battle; and for good reason.  The hazards of child birth are quite real and persist today.

If I wasn't at the hospital for this event, there would be no blog, no baby, no me. Preeclampsia is not common complication but it was a hazard I faced and survived. (Thanks to the medical professionals looking after me.)  The whole event was rather traumatic.   I had an emergency cesarean section and for the first five minutes in which my new son was in the world he required assistance to breathe. An overwhelming experience that left me thankful that my son and I were alive.

I still don't know why the doctors thought this day would somehow fade from my memory.  My sense of time for the whole ordeal may be a bit warped, but the events live crystal clear in my mind.

Now  it's good for a new mom to have support from their friends and family; however there is one group that this level of interest is not wanted from.  I'm looking at you in the pretend hospital getup and the volunteer tag on your chest.  Fuck off!

People who "volunteer" at the maternity ward are creepy and need to stop! No mom needs a random stranger wandering into her recovery room under the pretext of offering a free newspaper.  News flash!  I have had plenty of strange doctors, nurses and consultants in my room and don't want to add random peeping-tom to the list.

I must confess as an extremely hormonal and drugged up new mother in a cheap hospital gown; the only thing that kept me from throwing what ever was near by and throw-able at a volunteer was the fact that I was physically drained and liked my stuff more than I hated this intruder.

A recovery room is a personal place.  So if you are not a medical professional or an invited guest, stay out of the recovery room.

Un-plugged

I've had some online friends ask about balancing staying connected to the virtual world and staying connected to a child.

Things on screens can feel urgent and how much time does it take to deal with one more message, one more video?

I think what it comes down to is keeping your priorities straight.  What is more important?  What's on the screen or your child?

Personally I love me my screen time.  However nothing on any screen will ever be more important to me than my son.  So I limit my time plugged in to time when my son is sleeping or being otherwise entertained by other family members.  Writing for the blog is a nap time activity.  And I've got to say it's pretty happy having a sleeping baby in my lap while I type. (though not as convenient as when I get him to sleep in his bed.)

As long as you're a parent, your child is not distracting  you from your down time online.  Rather the internet is trying to distract you from your child.

Does my son have a regular nap scheduled? Yes. Can it be thrown off? Sadly yes.  Truth be told the hardest days of the stay at home mom gig are the days when nap time is abbreviated or fails to happen.  Any number of things can wreck what would have otherwise been a perfectly good nap.  Which in turn removes the time where I could do such things as prepare food and mentally recharge by unwinding online.


Though some of our best days have zero screen time at all.  Taking my son out on play dates with other children his age has got to be my favorite thing to do with my proverbial mom hat on.

So how are you doing a daily blog if you have days that lack in screen time?

All right  here's my not so secret, secret (So shhhh don't tell you)... Sometimes I write more than one blog post in a day.  Knowing full well that there are days coming up where there will be time to hit the publish button and that's about it.

But hey as long as I can constantly get one post a day online; I'll call it a win.