Underfoot

When buying toys there are many things to think about, but until you become a parent you generally don't spend much time thinking about what said toy will feel like when you step on it.  Admittedly even when I was first looking at toys for my son the chief concern was if he might hurt himself with said toy.  In the beginning everything was made of fabric or very squish-able rubber with no sharp edges.  For a long while he would try to mash toys into himself and during that time the only toys he had access to were made of brightly colored fabric.

My son has lots of toys.  (Thanks to some very enthusiastic friends and family.*) You know, toys you might trip on in a dark room, not toys you might impale yourself on.  But being home with my son all day and not being a baby myself, I started to look into toys that were both age appropriate for my son and mildly interesting to me.

So we got some Duplo Legos for my son.  I always had fond memories of Legos from when I was younger,  I figured a bigger version of the same thing would be a good time all around.  And it was, I would build something and my son would industriously take it apart and hand me the pieces and we would begin again.  The things I made that my son liked best were things that came apart easily.  So I would connect them by one or two circles rather than the full four or more that a piece had to offer.

We had a great time.

But like all things my son is allowed to play with, we quickly found Duplo bricks in unexpected places.  Yes there were two areas in the house where my son and I would play with Duplo.  However when my son is done being in one place he doesn't always drop the corresponding toys before wandering off to what ever he has determined to be next.

Fast forward a couple weeks and my efforts to put the Duplos back in there plastic box when we are done playing have been solidly thwarted.  There are now Duplo bricks in most rooms of our house, which is dangerous, not so much for him,  (He doesn't pick his feet up very high when he's walking, unless he's marching.)  but for everyone else.  My son also has the advantage of having a chance of knowing where these plastic caltrops are, as he is the one who dropped them to begin with.  I not being blessed with omnipotence find myself needing to turn lights on when entering rooms (no matter how briefly I think I will be there) and scanning for the brightly colored bricks.  But caution is occasionally thrown to the wind when I'm in a hurry, and that's when they embed themselves into the sole of my foot.

*I'm the oldest child my parents had, and my husband is an only child.  So our son is the only source of family baby photos that are actually current.  So even family members who we weren't on the best of terms with us when we first moved out, are excited to see more of our son.

Preschool tours

Looking at preschools especially if it's for your first born child can be a situation filled with anxiety and frustration.  In some ways it's not dissimilar form looking for a college to attend.  (Though you will care alot more about how the teachers interact with the students for preschool than college.) You can call ahead of time and make an appointment for a tour.  There is paperwork to fill out when you apply to send your child there. And if it's a particularly nice school you've found there is likely a wait list, so start looking well before you intend to enroll your child.  And of course different places have different price tags associated with attendance.

I'm looking at preschools and I think I've found one that my son and I both like.  This is one of those big decisions that I'm inclined to take my son's input on even though he has not yet found his way into the land of complete sentences.  (I mean he will be spending a lot of time there without me, if he doesn't feel comfortable with it I don't feel comfortable with it and if it makes him happy then likewise I am made happy.)

The school I'm feeling good about is actually associated with a junior college.  Apparently lots of colleges both junior and four year institutions have preschools. (They give preference to the children of faculty and students before accepting children from the local comunity.)  I like the adult to child ratio they have at the preschool we are hoping to get our son in; they have one adult for every four children maximum class size of twelve per age group.  We got to take a tour while the kids were at play and my son was excited to be there.  (He didn't want to leave.)

Listening

Listening is often confused with hearing.  And while you can use your ability to hear in your listening efforts you should also use your ability to see and when applicable your sense of smell and even touch. (but please don't lick anyone)

You may hear your child cry, but if you are not listening you will have no clue as to why.  Babies may not have formal language skills but they can and do communicate their wants and needs.  Body language and facial expressions can tell you a lot if only you care enough to pay attention.

Seeing a child reach for an object is just as telling as seeing them ignore or retreat from something.  The context of the situation matters as well.  If your child is uncomfortable in their surroundings it will show.  And it will be up to you, the adult in the story to make the judgment call of what is currently more important:  Your child's happiness or being in the place your child does not want to be.  Sometimes when it's a social thing my child's wishes have some sway, but other times, like when we go to the doctor's office, rather than leaving (which is what my son wants) I hug and comfort him.  When he's upset I acknowledge why he's upset, by saying things like "Yes, that was scary" or "Oh ow, I bet that hurt" and proceed to dispense hugs until my son feels done with hugging.

Another thing I think is critically important is to not only allow but defend your child's right to say "no" (even if it's not verbally) to hugs and kisses from whoever your child is uninterested in hugging or kissing.   It's no-longer a display of affection if it's unwanted.

I don't know if I will ever allow my mother-in-law to babysit because she doesn't listen.  Not to me, not to my husband and most definitely not to my son.  The idea that my son should be listened to doesn't even seem to occur to her, and if it did I don't think she knows how.  I remember one evening she asked my husband and I "what's your problem with me?" to which we responded with "I don't feel like you listen to us!" her response? "yeah, yeah, what else?"

What else?

How can I even go into how little I understand our obligatory get-togethers*?  Why do you so urgently want to spend time with your grandson when you don't want to hear what your son has to say?  And I don't know how many times I'm going to need to say "no" before she stops offering to baby sit.  I don't like how she is with him when I can see what's going on, why on earth would I let her be unsupervised with him?

Point being: listen to those around you, you never know what opportunities you miss when you don't listen.

*that we have now cancelled indefinitely, because I hate the way she interacts with my child..  She is really bad at understanding what a child my son's age wants and needs and how he is able to express that.  

Gratitude

Being a stay at home mom is a full time job, and if you have a week or two in a row where you fail to have positive social interactions with people outside of your household it can begin to feel like the most thankless job in the world.

There is nothing like spending some time with a kid-friendly friend.  Whenever I have a friend over (who likes children) and we get to talking while watching my son play, the work of being a stay at home mom feels less like a job or chore and more like a joy (The way I wish it would feel all the time).

I think what it comes down to is gratitude and a shift of focus.  When you feel like the thing you do all day every day is being taken for granted (by who ever it is who's opinion is plaguing your mind) it becomes hard to remember to be grateful for the child in the story.  My friend and I were talking about complications in delivery that family members (her and mine) had experienced; and an abbreviated recollection of the birth of my son.  And I looked at my healthy baby playing right before our eyes and felt a warm wave of gratitude fill me.  Through all the pain and uncertainty we had made it.   

I love my son, and though being a continuous caregiver can be exhausting it's nothing beyond my capabilities.  And it's one of those things that's hard to fully convey to people who don't have kids; but I'll try anyway:  being a stay at home mom is harder than it seems, and all the bad things people say about being a parent are true times ten,  but the the good bits people talk about are true a thousand times over.  Parenthood is a journey, and being there to watch your child learn play and grow is profoundly amazing.

So when times are hard, look back and remember the struggle, remember all that was challenging and dangerous and reflect on how far you and your child have come.  

Burn out

Vacation.  Just about everyone would love to have a vacation.  But sometimes at the end of a vacation the sentiment becomes, "I need a vacation, to recover from my vacation!" which is decidedly different from wishing for a longer vacation.  When one wishes they could have a longer vacation the notion is more of the same please.  Where as with the notion of a vacation to recover from my vacation implies that your vacation was far from restful.  This has nothing to do with how enjoyable the vacation was, it's about whether or not you feel recharged by the end of it.

My husband had a week off and the first half of this vacation was very restful.  Sort of a "stay-cation" if you will.  We did activities in various neighboring cities, saw family and got things done that we had been meaning to get around to.  The second half of the vacation was the bit we had been planing for a year.  We were going to a convention and my husband was running an event on the final day.

On this second half of vacation our son was sick, I got injured and there was an incident with a fire alarm.  None of which was particularly enjoyable or relaxing.  That is not to say we failed to have a good time.  On the contrary we did a lot of things we enjoyed and spent much of the time with people we liked.  All the un-fun bits aside it was quite enjoyable.   And even now with my foot wrapped up in an ace bandage I look back on the convention with fond memories.

That said I am also more tired than usual and wish my husband didn't have to go back to work.  As stated in previous blog posts it's no fun being a care giver when you yourself could use some care.  It has been recommended to me that I keep weight off my foot but from where I'm sitting this feels like a suggestion that will be ignored out of necessity. 

I need a vacation, to recover from my vacation...

All I want is some more time with my husband at home.  Going out and doing things can be fun, but staying home is relaxing.  At least from my way of looking at it.

Alarming

Staying at a hotel can be helpful even for local conventions when you have a small person in your party. Last night my husband made an early night of it with my son while I went to an event that went late into the night on a lower floor.

I was in a good mood, (Fairly excited about taking a bit of a mommy break) skipping down the hall when I miss stepped, rolled my foot and went sprawling down the hallway. Lucky another guest gave me a hand up. I made it to the event and got some ice for my foot.

Just moments after the event came to a close, the fire alarm went off. I cringed (my son freaks out when he wakes up if I don't happen to be in his line of sight) and limped toward the stairwell.

Soon afterward an announcement was made that there was no fire and we could go back to what we were doing.

I made it up seven flights of stairs and got to my son, calmed him down and once again peace was restored and I managed to get him back to sleep and wrap my foot and get some sleep myself.

Sick Vacation

Vacations, some times planned a year or more in advance can be highly anticipated and fraught with stress not only in the planning but in the doing.

Last year my husband and I booked a hotel for our selves and our son, and preregistered for a convention we had gone to a number of times during our baby free years.  That year the wind was at an all time high and what we like to call convention crud was plaguing many of the attendees. Our son included. (He got sick the first night of our trip.)  He had a runny nose and was about half a year old.  Needless to say he hadn't mastered the art of blowing his nose.  And our doctor told us that infants were not old enough to be permitted decongestants
 because fatalities had ocured in the past.  So nasal sprays and suction devices were set to the task of improving our sons ability to use his nose.  He hated it, it worked but he couldn't get past the discomfort of it to allow us to do this easily.  He would thrash and scream while we did our best to clear his nasal passages, and then looked at us utterly bewildered when he could once again breathe through his nose.  For that entire vacation my husband and I took turns staying in the hotel room looking after our sick child.

This year we planned the same trip.  And again we are dealing with a sick child.  His nose is blessedly fine.  Sadly this bout of un-wellness began with a disinterest in solid foods followed by throwing up liquids and a mild fever.  The doctor gave us medicine and marching orders but maintained that unless the fever got higher he would not need to be seen. So again we are doing our best to keep the boy comfortable.  I know he doesn't like to take his medicine but thankfully I have a one-and-a-half-year-old who listens to me when I tell him "This is medicine and it is important that you eat this to get well."  Grudgingly he opens his mouth and swallows that which the doctor has prescribed.

And while it's no picnic having a sick toddler it is nothing compared to the nightmare of having a sick infant.  A toddler is better able to understand what you say and better able to express what he wants than an infant who can really only cry. (Which would make him have a runny nose which would in turn make him more upset.)

I remember the first three conventions I went to I got disgustingly sick, so I suppose it's no surprise that my son gets to have the fun of building up his immune system while on vacation.  With any luck he will be like me and my now much more impressive immune system.  Germs are everywhere and there are only so many ways we can teach our bodies to kill germs.  But on the plus side the body does learn.

And to be clear.  As a mom I hate to see my child sick.  But I can't keep him in a sterile environment all his life.  If I did he would never build up the immunities that so many adults take for granted.  It's a hard process but I'll see him through it.

Discipline

Is your child pushing boundaries?  Or doing things they know you don't want done?  Is your child giving you more drama than a soap opera?  Are you too angry to deal with this sort of behavior? If you answered yes to any of these or think you might some day read on for one mom's takes on a tricky topic. (The mom in question is me.)

My son is an affectionate little boy and I love him.  That said we don't always see eye to eye.  And since I'm the mom in the story we tend to go with what I think is best as the default.  And while I try to keep my son safe and do what's best for him he sometimes gets it into his head that he want's to do something else.  And sometimes that thing he thinks he wants to do is not only a bad idea but a dangerous one at that.

And that's kind of the thing with small children, they don't seem to have a sense of danger.  But how do you stop your child from behaving in a manner which you don't approve?  Well obviously we start with the verbal measures.  "Don't touch that" or "come back" tend to fall off the tongue quickly.  But what I find gets the best results is distraction.  If I can make what I want done more interesting than what I don't want done, we both win.

Ok that's nice but what about when distractions fail to distract?  My child has found an inner drive to do that which I do not like.

Sounds like it's time for consequences.  My personal favorite and the bane of my son's existence is "Time Out".  Time outs are fantastic.  They give everyone involved a chance to cool off.  If my son is throwing a tantrum I put him in his play pen and take a few steps back.  (I know that the playpen is only fun for him if I'm in it with him.)

Play pens are all well and good for small children, but what about big kids?  Can I spank them?
No.  Please don't.  When you hit a child they learn that it's ok to hit people, which guess what, it's not.  (might I also add that you may not have the advantage of height and weight forever, do you want them to want to hit you?)

Ok got it hands free, what about yelling?
Do you want your kids to yell at you?  Because if you don't want your kids to yell at you, you probably shouldn't yell at them.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
Then what can I do?

Lead by example for starters.  You can also randomly and infrequently reward behaviors that you want to encourage.  And start removing privileges when behavior is subpar.

Remember you want your kids to respect you. I understand that fear can have some overlapping symptoms with respect but only respect has trust.  And you want your children to trust you.

Hide and Seek

I didn't realize we were playing.   Now where is my shoe? (My son likes shoes, and cellphones.) The thing is when my son grabs an item and walks off with it.  It's like an involuntary game of hide and seek has been sprung on me.  Only instead of people hiding it's random items I wasn't expecting to walk off being randomly relocated.

It's hard enough keeping track of items when your sleep deprived brain keeps memories in a jumbled fuzzy lump that hides in the shadowy recesses of your mind.  To have some one go around randomly re-positioning your personal effects is just the rancid icing on the cake you apparently needed to color how you feel about the day.

Ok son, where did you put my left shoe?
(The right shoe is forlornly sitting on the shoe rack without it's mate.)

 Man we need to work on your communication skills kid.  When I ask a question I would like more than a cute smile and a squeek.  When I ask a question I want an answer.  Yet an answer is not forthcoming as my son is still on the journey to get from pre-verbal to verbal.

It's not like babies go from not being able to talk, to talking overnight.  Words come and go and come back again.  And really if you think about it I'm sure there are words you yourself have only recently become aware of.  (I know that's true for me.)  Language is a big thing, there is lots to learn and it takes time to gain even the most basic fluency.

And then once you reach the mile stone of your child being able to talk, there is still no guarantee that he or she will remember where they put your stuff.  And I don't care how neat you keep your home, if your child put something of yours in a little used drawer or box, a heavy amount of luck will be in order for you to locate your missing object.

Cellphones are the easiest thing to find when an unintentional round of hide and seek begins assuming that is that your phone hasn't run out of batteries.

Teething

My normally happy baby is grumpy.  He's not tired or hungry; he does not need a new diaper.  He's neither too hot or too cold.  He's not bored or lonely.  He's not striving to gain anything out of his reach.  There has been no external stimuli that might frighten him or make him sad.  Yet he is clearly in a bad mood and none of the things that normally make him smile are really doing us much good.  What has happened to my son?  He's not demon possessed (though the way he is acting speaks to the contrary).  An exorcism is not required.

No ghost will need busting today.

Then what for the love of God is the problem?  Taking a peek inside his mouth reveals the problem.  There are at least two bumps in the gums that looks suspiciously like teeth on the verge of erupting.  My son is teething.

All we need here is some baby pain killers.  (Available in both liquid and fast dissolving tablets.) And now to find something better for him to chew on than his fingers.  Maybe a teething toy that has been sitting in the refrigerator will do the trick.

Other than looking in your child's mouth there are clues to be noticed by an observant parent.

• More drool than normal
• Chin rash (might be from the drool)
• A slight fever
• A new found need to chew on just about anything
• Not sleeping well
• Irritability

Can a pending tooth always be seen before it breaches the gums?

No.  Some times you can see it coming sometimes you can't.  And it's not because you're bad at spotting imminent baby teeth.  Sometimes there is nothing to see until the moment of truth.  (At which point the tooth has appeared in all its, hopefully, pearly white glory.)

Shots

I hate needles.  I do not look when a doctor needs to give me a shot or draw blood.  I loathe it when my son has to have blood drawn or get a shot.  It is hard to say exactly who is more upset when it is time for a needle to pierce my son's skin.

My son hates needles and must be physically restrained to prevent injury when a nurse brings a needle into the same room as him.  I remember the first time my baby was given an immunization.  He was calm, (only because he didn't know what was about to happen) he looked up at the nurse, eyes full of curiosity.  Then *jab jab jab* three shots in one go.  My son looked surprised then angry.  The level of rage visible in my infant was a sight to behold.  For his point of view, this was the worst thing that had ever happened to him.  He was laying there minding his own business when suddenly pain! In both legs!  (It was emotionally hard to witness.)  There was my son, who I love so much, in pain and I had pre-approved the ordeal.  I figured I was doing us all a favor by keeping him from contracting a perfectly preventable disease. And though I know I was doing the right thing, it still hurt to see it happen.  (I am a highly empathic person.)

His most recent encounter of this kind was, so far the easiest it's ever been to deal with.  He had fallen asleep in the car.  And rather than wake him up, only to then need to hold him down seemed like a bad idea.  So we let him stay asleep.  We carried him into the doctor's office still asleep from the car ride.  The needles were prepped, he was prepped and *jab* he was awake and not at all happy about it.  Fortunately for all of us, I had planned ahead.  We had a bottle of his favorite beverage (milk) ready and waiting for him, and the nurse had a lovely sticker to give him.  And just like that, all was forgiven.  He just wanted to be held, drink his milk, and play with his sticker.

I now understand why doctors offices have so many stickers to hand out to children.  Nothing calms a child down like a good distraction.  Yes what just happened might have stung and been scary, but look you have your very own sticker now, in fact since you were so brave you can have two stickers!  (And the child stops crying to the relief of all.)

New Tricycle

Today my son got his first tricycle.  And I've got to say after I was done putting it together* (yes some assembly was required) he was thrilled.  He circled around it pulled on the handle bars pushed it from behind, messed with the peddles and basically did everything one could do with a tricycle except sit in the seat and use it as it was intended.

After he was done messing with it in the house, we decided to take it out for a spin around the block.  I helped him into the seat, and he grabbed the handle bars and looked at me expectantly.  I placed his feet on the pedals and took up my spot behind him, grabbed the handle intended for the parent and slowly pushed him forward.

Almost immediately he took his feet of the pedals and started to walk the tricycle with his feet while sitting.  We turned the corner and tried again.  This time his feet were on the pedals as I pushed the tricycle forward.  We celebrated him doing the tricycle thing and then for the rest of the walk he refused to keep his feet on the pedals.

I guess having his feet moved for him was a little too weird for a first attempt.  But the good news is he still likes the tricycle.  The somewhat amusing though not at all surprising news is that he prefers to interact with his tricycle the way I do.  That is to say, he wants to be the one behind the tricycle pushing it forward while walking.

Oh well, tomorrow is another day, and I'm sure one of these days, it will all sort itself out. Until then my son and I will stand together behind the tricycle and push it around the block... Just like we already do with his stroller when he is decidedly not tired.

* I love putting things together.  Some assembly required means I get to do an, albeit, simple 3D puzzle designed for adults to do. Three years of engineering academy in high school followed up with a semester of architecture and engineering at my junior college was how long it took me to realize that these classes were entirely too dull to continue, thus I changed my major to drama and had some fun.  (and some soul crushing agony)  But through this journey I did not lose my love of putting things together. I also enjoy maximizing efficiency or maximizing fun which ever needs optimization at the time. I remember back in my school days being vexed at having to do projects in part or in whole over again because my team-mates were too stupid to realize that being lazy and half-assing it meant more work down the line, not less.  I am a big fan of do it right and do it once.

A fair time

Yesterday my husband and I decided to take our son to Maker Fair.  I mean why not? It worked out fine last year, he should be better able to enjoy it this year right? Wrong!

Going out in public with a seven month old child is much easier than going to the same venue a year later.  A child who is a scant half year old or younger is likely to sleep though any outing as long as you keep moving which is much simpler to deal with than a child who is able to walk and unable to take a nap because they are over stimulated.

When a small child fails to take their nap in a stroller things can snowball quickly.

The day started out pleasant enough.  We held hands and walked around the fair grounds.  Occasionally holding him but mostly letting him walk.  He smiled at the ladies behind the booth and was basically an advertisement for all things baby.

But as the time for the midday nap came and went without him falling asleep things went to from heavenly to hellish.  We had calmed him down in the tent set aside for nursing babies.  The idea being he would drink some milk, fall asleep, and stay asleep while we pushed him around in a stroller.  Thus allowing us to continue enjoying the fair.

What actually happened was this: he started to drink his milk and make sleepy eyes at me, when another woman came into the tent with her baby.  This baby was crying the cry of a hungry baby.  (So they were in the right place.)  But when my son heard another baby crying he started to cry too.  And suddenly milk was no-longer being accepted.

So we removed our squalling child in hopes that we would be able to walk him to sleep...

Well we were able to walk him to calm.  But he was getting heavy and I needed a break.  So I handed him off to his dad.  At which point our son, who seems to think it's not nap time without mommy, lost it.

And so the rest of the day went. We got close to coaxing him into napping a number of times while at the fair.  But for the most part he was just grumpy about being there.  He eventually did nap... on the car ride home.  We called it early because going on an outing to have fun with a grumpy baby simply isn't fun.

So when it comes to this sort of activity infants are more fun to have around than toddlers.

Reading Books

They say you should read out-loud to your children every day.  And in the beginning it's not difficult.  An infant will lay there while you read, and as long as you keep your tone pleasant, it doesn't seem to make much difference what you read.  (I took some  amusement in reading parenting books to my son when he was an infant.)

Now that my son is able to comprehend more of what is being said, my husband and I read books that are actually intended for children.  Board books, fabric books and other types of books with durable pages are great for when you want to give your child a chance to turn the pages.  Allowing your child to take charge of when pages get turned is a fun way for them to participate.  Don't worry if you don't finish reading a page before a page is turned, just read what is presented to you.

Read lots of different books with your child and see what excites them and what sends them looking for other toys to play with.  Don't feel like buying your child a multitude of books?  Fear not the love of reading need not break the bank.  Go check out some books from your local library.  That way you don't have to limit your child's access to reading materials. Is the book you want not on the shelf? Ask a librarian if that book can be sent to your library from a sister library.

How long should you read to your child?  I think you are never too old for a bed time story.  That said as your child learns to read. Ask them to read books to you.  (Maybe they can read to you while you do household chores.) And then at night read something that might be too hard for them to read but is still a story that would be good for your child.

Testing

So what should you expect when you go see your doctor while pregnant?

Drink some water before you get there as they will:

• measure your blood pressure and weight
• test your urine
• check your baby's growth by measuring the size of your abdomen
• listen to your baby's heart beat
• possibly order more tests

More tests? Should I be worried?
No! Stay calm worrying never helps. Many tests are optional. So only do them if you feel like you want them.
Blood tests can be done to screen for possible ailments for mother and baby, while ultra sounds can give you and the doctor a look at how things are progressing with the baby.

These are all test I had done.

There were other tests that I decided to opt out of:

Amniocentesis tests for possible birth defects, but it is not a risk-free test.  Unlike the other test that I previously mentioned this test requires amniotic fluid. Information is nice to have but I do not feel like the risks associated with this test are worth it. Any test that has a chance of miscarriage is a test that I would be unwilling to take.  Imagine the heartbreak you would feel if the test came out normal but you lost the baby because of you took said test?

Always talk with your doctor and make an informed decision about which optional test you feel like taking.

Early pregnancy

A friend of mine is expecting a baby for the first time.  And after the excitement and congratulations she asked me:
"So now that I'm pregnant, what do I do?"
Lots!

• Make an appointment with you OB/GYN (go to all your appointments)
• Take daily prenatal vitamins
• Eat healthy
• Read up on the pregnancy and parenting books
• Shopping for maternity clothes
• Start thinking about baby names
• Plan a baby shower (and in general share the news with people you like)
• Get your home ready to house a baby or as some people call it "nesting"
• Consider stretch mark creams (It feels amazing to rub it on, like aloe on a sunburn)
• Make a birth-plan (your doctor can help you with this)
• Put in writing who you will allow to be at your birth and who you will not 
• Choose where you want to give birth (some facilities do tours) 
• Zero heavy lifting is allowed (time to delegate) 
• And stay hydrated (I don't care how often you need to pee drink more water)

Realize that every pregnancy is different.  Not just from mom to mom but each time you become pregnant it will be different.  Some women are filled with energy while others are completely depleted.  It's an emotional time, you may experience highs and lows without external provocation.   Foods may be amazing one moment and repellent the next.  Your sense of smell will temporarily improve.  You're not going crazy you are having a baby.

Gun Safety

Do you have children living in your home?
Do you have a gun in your home?

If you answered "yes" to one or both of these questions then read on: this stuff is important.

Lets start by addressing the people with kids in the house. The first rule to teach your kids is "Don't touch it! Go get an adult!"  This talk should be given as soon as your child is able to understand both key concepts of touching vs not touching and getting an adult for help.

Now if you don't own a gun you might be wondering if this is talk is needed.  And I will go ahead and say yes, yes this is important.  You may be able to control your home environment but you cannot control the rest of the world.  If your child doesn't understand that there is a difference between toy guns and real guns, and they happen into a place where a real gun is, this story could have a tragic ending.

Now if you have a gun, is it in a safe? (hint: the responsible answer is yes) Guns should be kept in a safe when not in use and ammo should be kept locked up in a different safe. These things should never be treated lightly. Stay safe, and be responsible.

Now what if you have both kids and guns?

A loaded gun in the bedside table is not going to keep your family safe.  Children love opening just about anything that can be opened and playing with things you have tried to keep them away from.  This could be deadly to a random person in your home.  (Who knows where a child might point it?)  Still want a gun by your bed just in case?  Get a small safe and attach it to something that isn't going anywhere.

Now what if you think marksmanship is important for your child to learn? When are they old enough for there first lesson?  My dad felt that 8 years old was plenty old enough but I would point out that this is more about your child's maturity level than their actual age.  Is this someone you would want to be in the same room as and trust with a loaded rifle?  And yes rifles are safer than handguns when you are starting out.   (At first people point where they look, and it is a lot easier to make sure a rifle is pointed down-range than a pistol.)

Stay safe.

Pets

When introducing your child to animals caution is the greater part of valor.  If you already have a pet don't leave your infant alone with them.  Your fresh baby may, to a dogs point of view, seem reminiscent of a squeaky toy or a prey animal.  If you have a cat remember that your baby is made of warm, and you expect your cat to not sit on the stationary warm thing in a bassinet? Even if your pet is friendly and intends no harm, baby animals are cared for in a way that is not compatible with human babies.

When first introducing a small child to a pet (yours or someone else's) it's important to teach your child how to touch softly /slowly/ nicely.  You don't want your child to provoke a pet.  What do you expect an animal to do if it feels threatened?  Your child might not be much of a threat, but does an animal know that?  Different animals have different temperaments.

Your results may very, and adult supervision is required.

My son gets very excited whenever my mom comes over with her miniature poodle.
"Dogdog!"  (the name by which most of the animal kingdom seems to fall under at the moment for my son)
Last time my son saw this little dog he grabbed the leash and walked around the living room with her. Though as my brother pointed out it was hard to tell who was walking who.

When we visit my sister and her cat, that cat has time and again had the good sense to keep clear of our small human.  We also intentionally kept my son out of the room with the litter box in it.  I don't even want to deal with the idea of my son ingesting a super absorbent sand-like material that may or may not currently contain cat excrement.

Pet food dishes are also problematic.  These dishes live on the ground for easy access to the pet.  But small children with more curiosity than sense may take an interest in these as well.  Even if your child does not try to consume the pet food, playing and making a ridiculous mess with the pet food could easily be a thing if steps are not taken to actively prevent it.

Pet birds can be fun too, as long as you keep small fingers from poking into the cage.  Aquariums and terrariums can be fun to look at and fairly safe too as long as they stay out of reach of children too young to stay out of trouble.

Mommy Exercise Time

When you become pregnant the level of exercise and even the types of exercises that are safe for you and the baby-to-be can be different from what non-pregnant people can do.  Check with your doctor to make sure that the exercises you are interested in doing are safe. My doctor advised me against weight lifting while pregnant.

Once the baby is delivered you will still need to rest.  I had a cesarean section and as a result was not allowed to lift anything heavier than the baby for six months.  Needless to say I wasn't exactly hitting the gym during that time.  But one thing that did help me recover was walking as soon as a was physically able after surgery.  admittedly I wasn't able to walk very far that first day, but each day it got easier.  Part of my motivation to walk through the pain was to see my son who was in a separate recovery room from me the first few days. I remember the walk to him seemed a lot shorter than the walk back to my room.

About a year after the birth of my son I found a renewed interest in going to the gym.  Fortunately the gym my husband and I go to has on site child care, sadly this is not offered on Sundays.  Which is a shame because Sundays would be the most convenient day of the week for my husband and I to get our workout on.

Luckily there are still plenty of ways to  exercise at home.  Though trying to  exercise with a small child underfoot can increase the difficulty level and not in the useful way.  Doing sit-ups is all well and good but it's hard to do when you have a child trying to use you as a jungle-gym.

Another option is to put your child in a jogging stroller and take a run.  The more you do the more you will be able to do.

With a baby around it's easy to make excuse when what you need to do is make time for yourself, so that you can maintain your health and remain a good caregiver for your child.  Babies don't weigh much to start but they grow quickly. Do you still want to be able to carry your child when (s)he weighs 20 pounds? 30? 40? Are your arms up to the task? How about your back?   Keep in mind as the heavier your child gets the harder it will be on your back not just your arms.

Mother's clubs

If you are pregnant and plan on being a stay at home mother, I highly recomed joining what ever local mother's club is easly excsible to you.  Granted not every city has one, but if you feel like being a go gettter you could start one.

Being a stay at home mom is not a walk in the park especially if you feel like you have to go it alone.  Joining a comunity of people who have been through or are curently going through what you are going through.   Moms with children the same age as yours are perfect for play dates.  And baby isn't the only one who bennifits from this arangment.  A play date with lots of moms and babies all in the same baby proff room gives the moms a chance to take a breath if not a break.  And exchanging tales of baby woe can help you relize it's not just you having this experience.

Moms with children older than yours can warn you about comon childhood trubles that you are likely to encounter with your child.  (kind of like what I'm doing here for you)

One nice thing about the mother's club that I joined is that when other families out grow the need for an item like say a bassinet (supper handy but only for the first few months) they often are willing to give or sell the gently used item to other moms in the club.  If you join a club like this after your baby arives you are likely to have allredy paid full price for an item you could have gotten more cheeply or even free.

But even if you are not personally interested in second hand items once you join a mother's club you now know people who are interested in gently used baby items so you don't end up with baby junk cluttering up you home once your child has out grown it.

The mosr important thing to remember is that you get is directly related to what you put in.  The more events you go to the more you will have a sence of comunity with your fellow club members.  Don't expect to have a suden influx of friends if you don't go to the events.  You need to spend time and hangout with the other club memembers so you can get to know eachother.

Mother's Day?

What to get mom on mother's day? A card? (hand made or store bought?) Flowers? (real or fake?) Chocolate? (the good stuff or the cheap kind?) Jewelry? (Macaroni or something fancy? ) A dining experience? (breakfast in bed? a picnic? That restaurant she likes?) Depending on how old you are and the relationship you have with your mom any of these could be good answers.

I'm sure this answer will change over time but what  I want, this year, is to be allowed to sleep in, and to have the time to start my day with a bubble bath.  Real big mommy luxuries I know, but hey I can dream.  Being a stay at home mom is harder than it looks and a couple of hours to myself would be most welcome.  I mean other jobs give you time off.

 ²   ²   ²   ²   ²

So sleeping in wasn't a thing... and due to the fact that my son is teething, sleeping through the night wasn't a thing either.  But on the plus side my husband took over baby duties while I took a nice long bubble bath.  Which I got to say, was fantastic.

We had a lovely at home lunch with my my mom (who brought her dog) and brother.  So my son had fun with the dog.  Even though his fun mostly consisted of pointing and the dog and saying "dogdog", kind of cute that.

It was nice good food, pleasant company, and after we were done eating we even got to play a few games at the table.   All and all, I would call it a happy mother's day.

Music

It's kind of amazing to see the impact music has on an uninhibited soul.  Or to wax a little less poetic, babies can have strong reactions to music, which I thoroughly enjoy watching.  I don't play music that is poignantly soulful while my baby is awake. (I made that mistake once, he was distressed by it and cried.)

I still can't get over how happy some songs make my son.  There have been times when he was in tears and stopped crying because of the music.  My son (age one and a half) will clap his hands and stomp his feet when I play the song "if you're happy and you know it".  And he will dance around to cha-cha music.  It seems like as long as the music has a strong up-tempo beat we can't go wrong.  It's a joyous thing to see a small child move to the beat of your favorite music.

One thing I've found works well to encourage a child who seems unsure if it's ok to move to the beat, is to join in and dance yourself.  Either dancing alongside your child or holding your child in your arms while you dance can brighten a little ones day as well as your own.

Classical music (depending on the song) can be a great way to calm things down.  Though it's good to pre-listen to classical music if you intend to incorporate it into your child's nap time routine.  Some arrangements may gain in volume or include cymbals which while lovely can startle a near-napping child back into a fully alert state.  And if that happens good luck getting them to go back to sleep.  As long as you keep it soothing you'll be fine, just don't assume that classical equals calm.

I find it is also useful to keep music playing when my son is asleep to help him stay that way.  That way the random household sounds don't disturb him.  Let me tell you, it's a lame time to have a sleeping baby awoken by a sneeze or a cough or the microwave or whatever.  Now music is by no means a fail safe.  Anything louder than the music could cause problems as far as keeping a small child in nap mode is concerned.

Take a stroll

Staying at home with your baby can quickly begin to feel like being on house arrest if you don't go out of your way to get out of the house and shake up your routine.

Are you home alone with your baby? Has your child got you mentally fried?  Need a break, but have no one to baby sit?  Put your baby in a stroller and go for as long a walk as you need to feel better.  The benefits of going for a walk are many (more than I will bother to go into).

Going for a stroll is a great way to collect your thoughts and more often than not when I put my son in his stroller and go out for a walk with him, he is asleep before we make it back home.

Just getting twenty minutes of sunshine I've found can make me feel a world better.  It's good for your child to get familiar with the neborhood.  And it's nice to be able to have your child buckled in some place safe (the stroller) for a breif outing.  I find that pushing a stroller can reduce my mommy-anxiety.

I mean when you're at home and the baby is awake you have to watch them like a hawk to keep them safe.

Personally I find that I feel best when the stroll takes a minimum of 20 minutes.  Now I would point out that going for a stroll is substantially different than taking your child for a walk where their feet are doing any amount of walking.  If you are out walking with a child who is too young to be trusted not to randomly run off into the street or the yards you walk by, a walk can be stressful rather than relaxing.  It's not good for your back to be perpetually bent over to keep a toddler stable.  But at the same time you don't want your child to get hurt while you attempt to enjoy some fresh air.  I would also point out that little legs don't walk as fast as you might. They may also tire more quickly than you.  Are you ready to carry your child if they get tired mid walk?  I tend to keep walks shorter than strolls.  You of coarse will find what works best for you.

But do take the time to get out every day and you will feel better for it.

Visiting

I want to preface by stating that I have no interest in being a hermit.  Far from it, I would love to visit with friends more often than I currently do.  I enjoy being social.

That said visiting friends or family or public attractions can feel like more trouble than it's worth with a small child in tow.

The easiest thing for me is when I have friends come over to my house.  I don't have to count diapers and plan snacks and drinks for my little one.  And my son is more likely to take his regularly scheduled naps at my house.  But my house is not always as tidy as I would want it to be for entertaining guests.  So part of what factors into if you will ever be invited in is my perception of how relaxed you will be about the state of my home (chances are I didn't finish doing the dishes or have time to vacuum before the door bell rang).  So if I have to worry about you giving me a hard time about how little house keeping I managed to do while being a full time caregiver, chances are you will never see the inside of my house.

Going to a friends house can be fun, especially if my son and I have been over to your house before and everything went well.  But going to someone else's house can feel risky especially if we haven't done so before.  Is your home childproof enough for me to bring my child?  If my son picks something up off the floor at your house is it going to be a thing that he would be safe to play with?  Do you have pets that might interact poorly with my son?  If I have to continuously redirect my child to keep him safe and to protect your things, it's not going to be a relaxing visit.

Public attractions vary wildly in how age appropriate they are for the child in question.  I prefer to visit public attractions on days when they are less busy.  That way I can let my son run around without bothering others.  So lets go someplace where that is alowed.  My child might be too young for the fine art exhibits at a museum but the zoo or aquarium on a week day might be just the thing.

All that said if a friend calls, I'll find a way to pencil them in. ;)

Other kids

Whenever your child encounters other children there is a certain amount of suspense, and danger.  Will the other kids play too rough with your child?  Will your child be the one who is more aggressive than is socially acceptable?   Kids are not the best at thinking before they act.  And even without meaning any harm some one could get hurt.  Especially when there is an age gap, or a height/weight difference.

Bigger kids running around might bump into smaller ones inadvertently causing tears.  Little one might latch on to an item that isn't theirs and become unwilling to part with a thing they have never seen before.  Again there is drama!

And all of this contention can happen without the kids in question feeling mischievous.

What do you do when your child aims to misbehave with their peers?

A firm warning might not be enough, you may have to remove you child from the situation.  People are not born with an innate understanding of the social contract.  As a parent it is you job not only to teach them how to play nice with the other kids but to also impart the importance of behaving in a socially acceptable manner.  If you don't you will find yourself invited to fewer and fewer social gatherings because no one wants to deal with a child who is being a holy terror.

What do you do when the other kids are being the problem?

I recommend starting by asking their parents to intervene. (If you know who / where they are)  People can be touchy about other adults interacting with their child regardless of intent.  That said feel free to rescue your child.  You may or may not have the means to eject a problem child, but you can change where you and your child are.

If your child has witnesses other kids setting a bad example it might be good to have a gentle talk with your child and explain why what the other kid did was wrong and why they should not attempt to duplicate the behavior.  That said, keep your calm, your child is not in trouble for what someone else did and you should go out of your way to make it clear you are not mad at your child but you do need to explain the rules.  Also check in with your child, were they bothered, scared, or hurt by what happened?  How do they feel about seeing someone else breaking rules and possibly even getting away with it?

Night Terrors

Imagine sleeping in your bed when suddenly an ear-piercing wail awakens you.  This is not like other times when baby has woken in the night wet or hungry or both.  Eyes tightly shut and shrieking!  The diaper is dry.  All offers of milk are refused.  But the scream will not cease. You  hold your baby close "wake up, please wake up! You're having a bad dream. Please don't cry."  Night terrors: my son was about one and a half when he had his first.

And then as suddenly as it began it stops.  My son looks up at me confused.  "milk?"
Why Lord? Why?
What horrible thing did I do to deserve a child who carries on so?
Oh right-

When I was a baby I woke up more than my share of people:

Imagine a hot summer night in Los Angeles.  Large concrete apartment buildings mashed together.  Every window is open with the vain hope of tempting a night time breeze.  And then an ear piercing scream echoes off the buildings.  It sounds like a baby is being tortured.  (That baby was me, and absolutely nothing was wrong)  One child's night terror induced scream woke hundreds.  And just after my parents had rocked me back to sleep and ever so gently placed me in my crib, creeping away as quietly as they could for fear of waking me and restarting the banshee-esque wails of their child-

A sharp knock at the door *BAM BAM BAM*  

My dad was just about to yell at whatever idiot was trying to wake his baby when he opened the door and saw the police.

Apparently they had received numerous calls from concerned neighbors and needed to confirm that I wasn't being abused and was in fact still alive.  And they were not inclined to just take my parents word on the matter.
So on tiptoe my parents returned to my crib and with as gentle a gait as they could manage, carried me forth to the waiting men in uniform.  But a sleeping  baby in pajamas though cute to behold was not convincing after all the calls that had come in.  They needed to be sure that there were no bruises hidden under my clothes.  So my parents had to remove my pajamas from my sleeping form with a level of care comparable to that of a bomb removal squad. And all my father could think was "please god, don't let her have bumped into a table earlier today". But luck was with us that night.  I neither had any marks on my person nor any inclination to reawaken.

My parents will never let me forget this story.

Sleep Deprivation

I hope no one is surprised when I state: babies cause sleep deprivation for there parents.  Insomnia would be less frustrating.  At least with insomnia you don't have a baby demanding attention when you would otherwise be sleeping.

In the beginning an infant will want to drink milk about every two hours.  Mind you they are not clocks to set your watch by.  For my son the clock seemed to start when he woke up and wanted to drink rather than when he finished drinking which didn't leave much time in the middle for me to nap, and since I was breast feeding I couldn't trade off with my husband for night time feedings.  For me it was a time of heightened emotions.   Everything seemed like a bigger deal in both the positive and negative spectrum.  This was not only hard on me but on those closest to me.

More than once my husband asked if there was anything he could do to help only to receive a sometimes joking, sometimes sarcastic "Lactate!" which of course was the one thing he could not do for me.

Being exhausted while taking care of a baby didn't seem like that big of a deal during the daylight hours...
But at night...  To me at least it feels unreasonable.

People tell me to nap during the day like that will solve the problem of my wanting a full night's sleep.  Naps are nice and all (I sometimes indulge in them) but it's just not the same.  Besides if I sleep during the day then I'm sacrificing time I might use on such frivolities as food preparation.

When I asked my husband if I should add anything to this segment he said "I don't know, I'm tired"  and I think that says it all.  It's hard to think when you are tired.  And being so tired for so long can leave you in a bit of a mental haze.  It is so much harder to form sentences when you find that your nouns have deserted you.

And so it is on that blurry note which I will leave you.  I wish you good luck and good rest.  May sleep find you whenever you seek it.

Sick days

What's worse than having a sick baby? Being sick (or hurt) while having to take care of a sick baby.

If you are sick enough to be bed ridden, (or injured to the point of limited physical functionality) how much effort are you willing to exert to get yourself out of bed to get a glass of water?  Now add a sick baby to the equation.  A cranky baby.  A crying baby.  A baby who needs more care and attention than normal.  All this on a day when you are not at your best.

Most jobs make accommodations for you when you are sick or hurt.  You call in and take some time off; some jobs even offer paid sick leave.  If you are a stay at home mom and you get sick or hurt, who do you call?
How does mom get time off when she needs it?

Time to call in what ever reinforcements you think will make you and your baby feel better.  (Keep those who would make you feel worse far away.)  If your spouse has a job that allows for dependent care (it's like sick days for your family) ask them for the help you need.  Maybe you have a retired family member or in-law you trust to help you when you don't feel well.  Maybe look to a trusted sitter you could pay to take care of your child while you are recovering.

Being home with a baby is a 24/7 job, don't half-ass it.  Get help.  Everyone has different situations, and what works for me may not even be an option for you.  All I'm saying is when it comes to the well being of you and your child, there is no shame in seeking assistance when you need it.

And of course if you have medical concerns about your baby don't hesitate to call the advice line for your doctors office.  The nurse on the phone can help you determine if you need to make a doctors appointment or take a trip to the emergency room.

Bath time

Don't expect babies first bath to be a Hallmark moment.  Some kids take to water like a fish while others take to it like limb removal. I remember the first time I filled a baby sized bathtub with luke-warm water, and gently lay my son in the fabric sling.   The baby on the box was smiling.  My actual baby was writhing in apparent agony.  Needless to say his first encounter with water was a brief one.

As time moved forward my son's dislike of bath-time slowly diminished.  From tortured wailing to sullen acceptance, to tentative splashing and finally I got him playing and smiling in the water.  One of my son's favorite things to do in the tub is to fill a plastic cup with water and then pour the contents back into the water he's standing in.  Now he wants to get into the tub so he points to it and tries to climb in. (Fear not I'm right there to keep him safe.)

He still is not a fan of getting his hair wet but we are working on it.  One thing that helped him enjoy bath time more was when we experienced a heat wave and got a chance to play in the water as a way to cool off rather than as a way to get clean.  Giving him encouragement to play has made bath time easier on both of us.

Finding your way to bath time fun aside I would like to mention what I hope is obvious.  Never leave a baby or small child unattended when there is water involved.  The danger of drowning is quite real even in shallow water. Don't assume that you would hear it if something went wrong.  If a person's lungs fill with water they cannot cry out for help.

What if I want to take a shower with my baby? My baby isn't the only one who was in the splash zone when lunch came back up.

If you are thinking about taking a shower with your baby, just remember that babies are slippery when wet.  What ever you do, don't drop the baby.  If your shower permits it, maybe take a seat.  It's harder to fall when you are already on the ground.  

Nap-time

To those of you who are not parents but would like to be someday:  Be careful how you set up nap-time.  For what you start doing to put you child to sleep when they are an infant will ripple forward.  Don't make life too awkward for yourself.  It may be no problem to walk and rock an infant to sleep but this is not something you can do indefinitely.  Kids grow fast.  And yes it might be cute to have a baby sleeping in your lap but lets face it, your lap is only so big.  And if your child is sleeping in your lap, you are not going anywhere without risking waking up you sleeping angel.

Find the sleepy time ritual that works for you and your baby and stick to it.

Before my son outgrew his bassinet I kept it in my at-home office so I could get some work done while he napped.  While simultaneously soothing the paranoia that comes with becoming a first time mom.  I could type at my desk and glance at my baby whenever irrational worry struck and carry on with what I was doing.

Part of my worry came from the fact that he was born three weeks early.  He just looked so tiny and fragile to me.  I couldn't understand how anyone could feel comfortable not being in the same room as their fresh baby.  In those early sleep deprived weeks I felt like I needed to witness the rise and fall of his belly as he slept like that would somehow ensure it would continue to happen.

Some babies sleep more soundly than others so you will learn what makes the most sense for your child by trial and error.  Some moms insist on ending outings so as to be home in time for nap-time while others put the baby in a stroller and continue with there outing perfectly happy to push a sleeping baby from one place to the next.

My mother told me that when I was little she would drive me around in her car until I feel asleep.  This trick doesn't work for my son.  So I'm not going to tell you that I've found some holy grail of napping, because I don't think it exists.  What I will tell you is keep trying. I'm sure you will figure something out.

To those of you who are parents who have won the nap-time battle please feel free to post a comment with what worked for you.

Consistency

So if you're a parent do you want your offspring to listen to you and do what you say?  If your answer is yes, the secret to getting this to happen is being consistent.  If mommy says "No" the child should not look for a "yes" from daddy and vice-versa.

If you undermine the authority of your partner in parenting (even if you are divorced) you are in fact undermining your own authority.  If you try and tell your child to listen to you instead of listening to the other parent in the story you are teaching your child that parents are not the authority.

When parents disagree children will do as they please.  What alternative is there?  Listen to one and be punished by the other?  What is a child to do when getting a "No" from one parent and a "Yes" from the other?  Even if they were trying to do right they would fail.  

Being inconsistent encourages children to pick sides when it comes to there own parents.  But not even in a predictable way.  

By going against your spouse you make home a scary and unpredictable place for your child.  Your child will feel safer if there is a clear cause and effect.  Simple rules that hold true will give your child a way to know what to expect, and a way for them to guess what the result of their actions will be.

Now I've been asked "If consistent rules are important what about consistent consequences?  What if a form a punishment doesn't work? Do you just do it more?"

To which I say rules should be consistent.  And there should be a consequence for breaking them.  (Though sometimes not listening provides a consequence in and of itself)

For example if I tell my son not to climb on something, but he ignores me and climbs right on up anyway, and then rather predictably falls.  I don't feel compelled to do anything more than hug him.  Getting hurt from falling was enough of a consequence in my book.  Hopefully next time I warn him not to climb on something he will remember the consequence that gravity dished out.

I don't think that there is any reason that punishments need to be the same every time.  Do something wrong, experience a fitting consequence for said action. If a punishment doesn't seem effective, try something different rather than just making it more of what ever wasn't working before. 

I would also like to point out, if you put a child on time out, it might be worth while to remind them why they were on time out once it's over.  (especially if you managed to seat your child there for a period of time in excess of there attention span.) I remember as a child I would occasionally find myself sitting in time-out mind wandering aimlessly, and having no recall as to why I was sitting in a chair facing the wall.  (At which point no lesson is learned.  How can I avoid doing what got me in trouble if I don't remember what I did?)