Consistency

So if you're a parent do you want your offspring to listen to you and do what you say?  If your answer is yes, the secret to getting this to happen is being consistent.  If mommy says "No" the child should not look for a "yes" from daddy and vice-versa.

If you undermine the authority of your partner in parenting (even if you are divorced) you are in fact undermining your own authority.  If you try and tell your child to listen to you instead of listening to the other parent in the story you are teaching your child that parents are not the authority.

When parents disagree children will do as they please.  What alternative is there?  Listen to one and be punished by the other?  What is a child to do when getting a "No" from one parent and a "Yes" from the other?  Even if they were trying to do right they would fail.  

Being inconsistent encourages children to pick sides when it comes to there own parents.  But not even in a predictable way.  

By going against your spouse you make home a scary and unpredictable place for your child.  Your child will feel safer if there is a clear cause and effect.  Simple rules that hold true will give your child a way to know what to expect, and a way for them to guess what the result of their actions will be.

Now I've been asked "If consistent rules are important what about consistent consequences?  What if a form a punishment doesn't work? Do you just do it more?"

To which I say rules should be consistent.  And there should be a consequence for breaking them.  (Though sometimes not listening provides a consequence in and of itself)

For example if I tell my son not to climb on something, but he ignores me and climbs right on up anyway, and then rather predictably falls.  I don't feel compelled to do anything more than hug him.  Getting hurt from falling was enough of a consequence in my book.  Hopefully next time I warn him not to climb on something he will remember the consequence that gravity dished out.

I don't think that there is any reason that punishments need to be the same every time.  Do something wrong, experience a fitting consequence for said action. If a punishment doesn't seem effective, try something different rather than just making it more of what ever wasn't working before. 

I would also like to point out, if you put a child on time out, it might be worth while to remind them why they were on time out once it's over.  (especially if you managed to seat your child there for a period of time in excess of there attention span.) I remember as a child I would occasionally find myself sitting in time-out mind wandering aimlessly, and having no recall as to why I was sitting in a chair facing the wall.  (At which point no lesson is learned.  How can I avoid doing what got me in trouble if I don't remember what I did?)