Arguing

Arguments happen.  We are all start from different places.  No two journeys are the same.  Your truth is not my truth; nor will it be the same truth as that of your best-friend or lover.  When you have a child, you will find things mattering that you may have felt indifferent about before.  Nothing brings out strong opinions like becoming a parent.  As the new boss in town with at least one very new life to manage beyond your own; new found responsibilities push you to take charge.  The thing is generally speaking it takes two to make a baby.  So if there are two parents in the house it's not unreasonable to think there might be two different notions on just exactly what is best for the child(ren).  And when parents disagree about anything to do with their child, things can get heated.

Just remember who you are trying to protect (hint: your baby) and keep things calm in front of your children.  Failing that, say sorry (to your child for being scary in front of them).  And make up with your partner in front of your child.  Mommy and Daddy may have argued with each other but your child needs to see more than just what happens when people are angry.  Your child needs to see what forgiveness looks like.  What it looks like to apologize.  To hug it out. To kiss and make up.

When things come up I recommend trying to talk about it without your child in the same room.  That way the adults in charge can have a chance to talk over why they think what is best is best.  Even if you don't start out in agreement hopefully through honest discussion a consensus can be worked out.  That way the two of you can show a united front on everything from when bedtime is to what's ok for the kids to eat and anything else you may not have thought might be a point of contention before.

Don't take the lazy way out and refer your child to seek a yes or a no from your partner.  If you don't know if your spouse would be ok with something it's more than acceptable to say "I don't know let me talk to mommy (or daddy as the case may be) about it first."  Not all questions need to be answered the moment your child asks them.

Divorce

Realizing that forever was overly optimistic can be devastating for any adult.  It's hard to think that someone you have invested so much of yourself into will no longer be part of the picture.  But if you had a kid with your spouse before coming to the awful realization that marriage isn't working... I've got bad news for you.  You can move to opposite ends of the earth and still not be done.  A child links people together just by being.  Children being made of equal parts mom and dad will remind you of your ex when you have custody and will be on your mind when they are not in your custody.  I mean, you know your ex, you don't want to spend time with that person, yet you are compelled to allow them to spend time with your offspring.

And as big a pain in the ass as divorce can be for the adults in question, it can be a whole lot worse for the children who's family is no longer whole.  It's earth shattering.  Home doesn't feel safe if you feel like there is a war being waged.  Many children don't understand what went wrong and blame themselves. 

Don't let your child feel like it's their fault (even if you think it is*), let your child know that he or she is still loved.  Mommy and Daddy may not be friends with each other but Mommy and Daddy BOTH still love you.  This may require repetition.  

You may feel like venting about your ex.  This is fine and normal.  Go talk to your friends about it.  Don't vent to your child!  Children don't need that kind of stress.  And you will have a better relationship with your child if you keep parental politics out of the picture. 

And what ever you do try to keep any confrontations you may have with your (ex) spouse out of sight and preferably out of earshot of your child.  Witnessing your parents fighting with each other is terrifying and traumatic.

*if you think this is you're child's fault I recommend counseling for yourself and for your child (individual counseling)

Boobs and bottles

At the hospital when they asked me if I would be breast feeding, the way they asked felt like:

 "do you love your baby?" 

Yes! So, I guess yes...

And so I did, it wasn't easy at first but we finally made it work.

Would a bottle have been easier? No question, it would have been easier, both short term and long term.

But all the medical professionals I interacted with made it clear that "breast is best" when it comes to baby's health.  (My pediatrician recommended breastfeeding for the first two years.) Not to mention the benefit to mom.  If you gained more weight than you wanted during pregnancy your baby will help out with that by drinking caloric rich breast milk.  Thus transferring your bonus calories to someone who needs them more than you.  Breast feeding can also (when things are going right) be relaxing and pleasant.  You don't have to buy it or take care of how you store it and you don't really run out.  The body works to make supply match up with demand.

You will never forget your boobs at home.  But you will also not be able to pass a boob to your child if you are driving and they are in a car-seat in the back of your car.  Though if you are particularly well endowed you might be able to make the reach if you are sitting in the back next to your baby.  (Though this is not a pleasant option.

If you have time breast pumping is an option that makes bottles look fairly nice even if it's not quite the same bonding experience as breast feeding.  It is at least the same nutritional content.  Which is good because apparently breast milk is this magical liquid that isn't fully understood, but is definitely good.

But what if you can't be there to breast feed and you don't have time to pump?   What if you do pump but ran out of milk for your hungry baby? Well baby formula still an option.  

And bottle feeding has the advantage of being something that you can do any time any place.  No creepers leering at you.  No ultra conservatives looking at you askance.  No strange children overly interested in a baby that is currently attached to your chest.  

Just remember that once you put the powder in the water it's only good for two hours.  (Then you have to dump it)  There are liquid formulas that are easier to use but they cost more too.  Not to mention the maintenance of cleaning bottles and having enough with you at all times; just in case.

The important thing to remember is that you know best what makes the most sense for your circumstances.  Don't let others try to make you feel bad for how you feed your baby.  For there will be people on both sides of the argument (and it is an argument) who will be more than happy to try to make you feel bad which ever way you go on this rather personal decision.

Judgement from strangers

If you thought walking a dog was an amazing way to get strangers to randomly decide to talk to you, just wait till you take a baby for a walk.

Everywhere you go with your child, people will look at you, and look at your child.  And without knowing anything more than how you look they will form an opinion about you and if you are doing a good job or a bad job.

Is your child a little too old or too young for this venue?  As the parent you know the maturity level of your child.  But strangers will still feel free to let you know if they think you have gone astray from what they think is age appropriate for your child, even if they are not entirely sure what age your child is.

How your child is dressed, too warm too cold?  Should your child have a hat on?  (did your child just take off what you put on them?  Strangers may not know or care.)  Is your child in costume even though Halloween is not even near?  When kids start dressing themselves you may be in for interesting times.

Feeding a child where others can see? They will have an opinion on that as well.  It doesn't matter if you are breast feeding or handing your baby a bottle.  People will think you either shouldn't be doing that in public or you're being a bad mom for not breast feeding.  Hand your child a snack they can munch?  People will have thoughts on if the food you are giving your kid (to keep them from crying in hunger) is a good choice.

I figure as long as you are doing your utmost to be the best parent you can, you don't need the input of strangers.

Me time

True being a stay at home mom is the ultimate 24/7 job, but that doesn't mean that it's unreasonable to need some down time to yourself.  The important thing is making sure your baby is with someone you trust to see to all the needs that your baby has while you take a little time for yourself.  That way you are not spending your precious down time agonizing over how your baby is doing while you are not in the room.

To decide to shoulder the burden entirely by yourself is a great way to burn yourself out and become an emotional wreck. (At which point you are no good for yourself let alone your baby.)

You of course know best as for who counts as suitable adult supervision.  Myself, I turn to my husband first, and have the good fortune of knowing that if needed my brother or my mother can give my son the attention he needs while I take care of myself.

What do I mean by taking care of myself?
It could be something as simple as taking a longer bath or shower than I would normally have time for.  Or as big as taking my husband on a date (with out the baby).  Though going out with the baby can be fun, it's good to be able to spend some quality time with one's spouse without baby interruptions.

Your sanity is important.  So though it can be hard to find time for yourself once you begin the epic journey of parenthood; do yourself and your loved ones a favor.  Make time for yourself.  If you are happy, you will have a better chance of making those around you happy as well.

Pregnancy Cravings

Everyone is different but we are all human.  So differences will be there but on this note ladies have more in common with each other than one might want to admit.  For though I never wanted to eat the stereotypical pickles and ice-cream in one sitting, individually they were both things I required while pregnant.

Now for those of you who have never been pregnant let me explain the difference between a food craving you might have on your own vs. the food cravings of pregnancy.  And it is this:  if you are not pregnant it is possible to ignore or redirect a food craving.  You want one thing but you might settle for something else.  When pregnant you need a specific food and nothing short of having it will change your status.

Now when pregnant it is not uncommon to want foods you normally don't want.  I for example have little to no interest french toast.  However when I was pregnant I was relentless in it's pursuit.  I normally don't eat ice-cream, but when I was pregnant the mere thought of having to wait for ice-cream was enough to make me weep.

I remember one pregnant day I thought to myself:
"I want butter"
"But you can't have just butter, that doesn't make sense..."
"OK I'll have my butter on bread"
"Man why did I cut the bread so thick?"
"This is way too much bread for this butter"
and then I popped the last bite into my mouth
"Oh dear god in heaven! Why is there so much butter on my bread? Yuck!"

Pregnancy cravings, there one moment and then once filled gone in an instant.
And as inconvenient as it may be to deal with someone who is going through this, it is even harder to be the one experiencing it first hand.  So give pregnant ladies some slack,  they are building a whole person after all.  You're crazy if you don't think that this is hard work.

Keeping it interesting

You have a baby. Fantastic!  So now what do you do?  Games of "where's the baby" aka Peek-a-boo only take so long.  So what can you do that is interesting for you and good for your baby too?

For starters get out of the house, go for a walk. Parks are a free way to get baby closer to nature.  And many libraries have some form of weekly story time you can take your child to. which can be a great way to meet other moms with kids the same age as yours, not to mention a chance for your child to see other kids.  And depending on what's near you, museums, aquariums, and zoos can be a fun way to shake things up.

Want time to read a book/ magazine/ newspaper/ what ever?  Try reading it out loud.  In the beginning it doesn't matter so much what you read, the thing that matters is that you read.

Whatever you do, don't forget that you and the baby are mobile.  Baby-packs, strollers & car-seats help you move baby along with you from point A to point B.  Most forms of public transit will allow a small child to ride free with a fair paying adult.  So get out there and seize the day.

As ready as you can get

If you have never had a child before and you are considering going on the journey of baby making there are somethings you will want to get done before "getting down and dirty" with you're partner.

Aside from getting your finances in order.  There is prep-work to do:

So ladies go to the dentist.  You don't want to get x-rays or drugs while pregnant.   Smoking is off limits for you and those who live with you. It's also a good idea to kick the caffeine addiction if you have one and to teetotal for as long as you are pregnant/ attempting to become pregnant and to continue with that for as long as you are a food source for you child.  It's also a good idea to start taking prenatal vitamins a month or two before you intend to begin trying for a baby.  And stay hydrated.

You will also want to get any labor intensive projects done before you begin (or at least before the third trimester of) project baby.  The third trimester of pregnancy can be exhausting and once the baby shows up there isn't much time or energy for non-essentials. I completely forgot about my garden after the baby showed up.

I would also recommend getting your food situation worked out so that you don't have to spend time cooking at a stove top.  Infants eat every two hours; so spend your time wisely.  It's hard to go wrong with a freezer full of food that only needs to be heated up.

Luckily you have until your baby is able to rollover before you have to go nuts with the baby-proofing.

Postpartum Depression

Postpartum Depression also known as PPD sounds serious and scary. The act of giving birth can be dangerous and even if you experience no complications can still be terrifying.  All new moms could use an abundance of love a support from their friends and family.
Everyone is different and your experiences will very.  Not just as an individual but each time you go through the processes of creating a new life.

I remember the first time I lay eyes on my little boy,  it was love at first sight.  Happiness and relief. We were alive! We made it.  I was also exhausted.  Too tired to think straight.  It had be a long hard journey to get here but at least I was in the clear, or so I thought.

After the celebration had died down and the well wishers had gone back to the hum of their daily lives, after paternity leave was over.  I was home alone with my son.  And though you might argue that if I had my baby in my arms, that I wasn't really alone.  While a three month old is definitely a person, a three month old is not much for conversation.  And while I did talk to my baby, I felt more than a little barmy doing so.  What I needed was time with my friends.  Friends who were busy with lives of there own.  Long hours at jobs and chores to be done.  No one had time for me, not even myself.  I felt sad and alone.  I felt like my time was not my own.  Being a caregiver 24/7 is not as easy as it may look.

Not every day was dismal.  Some days were just fine.  Some days though I would find myself in tears without knowing why.  And it's hard when you reach out to friends and get little more than "Postpartum's a Bitch".  Yes it is, and if you were actually my friend you would have picked up the phone when I called rather than keeping our conversations text based and online.

You don't know what tired is until you have needed to breast feed a child every two hours regardless of day or night.

It was clear I needed some new friends.  Friends who knew what I was going through first hand.  I joined my local mother's club.  I don't know why I didn't do that sooner. Spending time with other stay at home moms made a huge difference in my mental well-being.

Another thing I did that helped was I started a daily photo journal of what made me happy. As the days passed it got easier.  And as unexpectedly as the unprovoked sorrow had come, it was gone.  I was me again.

Not safe

Child birth may be called labor, but to call it a battle would be more accurate in my opinion. In ancient Sparta women who died in childbirth were awarded the same posthumous honor that was awarded men who fell in battle; and for good reason.  The hazards of child birth are quite real and persist today.

If I wasn't at the hospital for this event, there would be no blog, no baby, no me. Preeclampsia is not common complication but it was a hazard I faced and survived. (Thanks to the medical professionals looking after me.)  The whole event was rather traumatic.   I had an emergency cesarean section and for the first five minutes in which my new son was in the world he required assistance to breathe. An overwhelming experience that left me thankful that my son and I were alive.

I still don't know why the doctors thought this day would somehow fade from my memory.  My sense of time for the whole ordeal may be a bit warped, but the events live crystal clear in my mind.

Now  it's good for a new mom to have support from their friends and family; however there is one group that this level of interest is not wanted from.  I'm looking at you in the pretend hospital getup and the volunteer tag on your chest.  Fuck off!

People who "volunteer" at the maternity ward are creepy and need to stop! No mom needs a random stranger wandering into her recovery room under the pretext of offering a free newspaper.  News flash!  I have had plenty of strange doctors, nurses and consultants in my room and don't want to add random peeping-tom to the list.

I must confess as an extremely hormonal and drugged up new mother in a cheap hospital gown; the only thing that kept me from throwing what ever was near by and throw-able at a volunteer was the fact that I was physically drained and liked my stuff more than I hated this intruder.

A recovery room is a personal place.  So if you are not a medical professional or an invited guest, stay out of the recovery room.

Un-plugged

I've had some online friends ask about balancing staying connected to the virtual world and staying connected to a child.

Things on screens can feel urgent and how much time does it take to deal with one more message, one more video?

I think what it comes down to is keeping your priorities straight.  What is more important?  What's on the screen or your child?

Personally I love me my screen time.  However nothing on any screen will ever be more important to me than my son.  So I limit my time plugged in to time when my son is sleeping or being otherwise entertained by other family members.  Writing for the blog is a nap time activity.  And I've got to say it's pretty happy having a sleeping baby in my lap while I type. (though not as convenient as when I get him to sleep in his bed.)

As long as you're a parent, your child is not distracting  you from your down time online.  Rather the internet is trying to distract you from your child.

Does my son have a regular nap scheduled? Yes. Can it be thrown off? Sadly yes.  Truth be told the hardest days of the stay at home mom gig are the days when nap time is abbreviated or fails to happen.  Any number of things can wreck what would have otherwise been a perfectly good nap.  Which in turn removes the time where I could do such things as prepare food and mentally recharge by unwinding online.


Though some of our best days have zero screen time at all.  Taking my son out on play dates with other children his age has got to be my favorite thing to do with my proverbial mom hat on.

So how are you doing a daily blog if you have days that lack in screen time?

All right  here's my not so secret, secret (So shhhh don't tell you)... Sometimes I write more than one blog post in a day.  Knowing full well that there are days coming up where there will be time to hit the publish button and that's about it.

But hey as long as I can constantly get one post a day online; I'll call it a win.

Gift for who? part 2

Damn it I just said it's not a gift if there are strings attached and it's not helping if it's not wanted!  Pay Attention!

When you give some one a gift, why are you doing so?  Who is this really for?  Do you genuinely want the recipient to have what you are giving or are you doing this out of a sense of obligation or worse as a way to have one up on the one accepting the gift.

If you keep track of what your giving to whom, and wait by your mail box for a thank you note... You just might be a selfesh jerk.  You didn't give me a gift you gave me an obligation.  And if I fail to notice it and fulfill it you now get to play the victim card because your selfish ass didn't get the recognition it was trying to buy.

I'm currently not on speaking terms with the couple who thought I needed more house keeping supplies as gifts.  Three different mopping devices, an ironing board, various dusting implements, a vacuum ect...  All unasked for.  Think about what your gift says before you give it.  I know I'm a stay at home mom but I have interests beyond house work.

And get your hands off my stuff.  If i didn't ask you to help me clean house, don't.  I know I have a kid and there are toys all over, but guess what we were were doing before you got here. We were playing!  And you know what we will be doing when you go away?  More playing.

It's rude to come in to someone else's house and point out flaws or criticize.  Especially if you are doing that to a new mom or dad.  They are running on stone cold will alone and sleep is but an elusive mirage.

You can't come into my house and asume you know how things go.  If I tell you there is no need for you to clean, then guess what, there is no need for you to clean... My reasons may vary from simply trying to be a good host to thinking you make things worse when you try to help.  Do you really want to find out which reason applies to you?

Sit back, enjoy your tea.  Don't make me regret letting you in the door.

Gift for who?

There is understandably a lot of excitement over a new baby.  Adding a baby to the mix is one of the biggest life changes you can make, and no matter how much "homework" you did, how many gifts you were given, how much advice was shared etc... you still have no idea what you're in for until you have a baby.  At which point all bets are off.

Now this may sound like a tautology but bare with me..
One big change in becoming a parent is that you are now the parent. Remember all those rules you're parents made for you?  Well guess what, it's your turn!  You are in charge and it is up to you to decide what is and what is not ok for your bundle of joy.  What is safe for your child to be exposed to?  Thought you had opinions on that before a baby entered your life? Guese again! No mental exercise is equal to experience and no one else's children will matter to you as much as your own.  What you feel indifferently about the kid down the street doing, may end up being something you care strongly about when it comes to your child.

Your child's safety is important (especially with your new found appreciation for how much work went in to making it this far)

Now I know I just said people will be excited about your baby and then followed it up with talk of safety.  Here's why:

You friends and family will want to give things to your baby. (Surprise surprise right?) News flash! What people want to give your kid and what you want them to give your kid may not have as much in-common as you would hope.  And here is the scary bit, some of the things they will want to give your kids are not safe!  Toys and games that are not age appropriate wouldn't be so bad if the person who bought it wasn't trying to hand it directly to your child so they could see baby play with it right now.

If the box says ages 6+ and my child is not even 2 I'm going to be mad at you.  It is wrong on so many levels to give a gift directly to a child if there is even a chance that mom or dad would not approve.  For starters you may have just endangered a child.  You selfish git.  Second when mom or dad has to confiscate an inappropriate toy you have just made them the bad guy.  Guess who isn't going to be invited to the next birthday party! (It's you!)

Ok fine.  You are now scared off of toys.  (Though you could always check with mom and dad before you buy, as long as they don't tell their kid, it's still a surprise.)

How about money?  (eh.... maybe...)  This is variable on a case by case basis.  Mainly what is the message you are sending with a gift of the monetary persuasion?  How is it intended?  how will it be taken? Some people are too proud to accept this form of "charity" and may even resent you for it.  While others would be glad of help.  I mean hey, diapers are not free!  Though I've got to say if you think that you can buy love, let me clear something up for you.  You can't.  (so don't try).

But I want to help pay for babies college fund!  And a proud parent isn't interested in handouts.
Ok here's one where I'll help you go behind mom and dad's back because I think an eduaction is the most vauable gift you can give someone. Go ahead make that fund! (tell no one!)  when that baby is an 18 year old high school graduate you now have one boss graduation present! Plus if you set the money aside now it's got years to acrue intrest.

Finally and most importantly, if you want to help some one or give them a gift:
It's not a gift if there are strings attached and it is not helping if it is unwanted!

Co-sleeping

I never intended to co-sleep.
In fact I thought co-sleeping was a bad idea.  (I still do though the reasoning has changed)
Before I had a baby I thought co-sleeping was a bad idea.  What if my husband rolled over and squashed the baby? What if I rolled over and squashed the baby?  What if the baby rolled into a pillow and was unable to roll back?

And then I had a baby.
I would feed him to sleep and then ever so gently place him in his bassinet.  At which point he would start screaming like he was being dismembered.  This went on for a week.  The only time the baby would be asleep was while I or his dad was holding him and in the all too normal two hour installments between feedings.  I was in desperate need of some real sleep.  And then one night it happened.  I nursed my son to sleep and drifted off myself.   When I awoke I realized that something amazing had happened! I had Slept!  And once I found the secret to getting to sleep at night in my own bed I went with it.  Even if it meant sharing my space with my son.

And now I can tell you why this is a stupid thing to be doing.
My baby will rollover and push me to the edge of the bed.  I had to put a pillow on my bed side table so as to stay mostly in bed and get some rest.
Other times my baby will manage to rotate 90° so I end up with a baby head in my armpit and my husband ends up with baby feet in his ribs.  Our baby has also rotated the other direction thus reversing who gets which end of the baby encroaching upon previously uncontested sleep space.

I bought a toddler bed for my son.  He likes to play on it... but he gets upset when I try to encourage him to sleep in it.  To him it's just a big toy bed, but he doesn't seem to buy into the notion that any bed I'm not personally sleeping in counts as a place to sleep.

So allow me to be your light house,  and shine a bright light on the rocks of co-sleeping.

Do yourself a favor and learn from my mistake.  Save yourself!

Baby Steps

I was hanging out at the mall with an old college friend who was talking about starting a family after her man finishes school. Letting my One and a half year old son lead the (meandering) way.  [Not a bad way to go if you’re in no hurry to be anywhere specific.]  And at some point during this mall crawl we began to reminisce  about the baby shower I had had. 

The baby shower had been pushed back a week so I could attend; as I was in the hospital with a fresh baby on the day we had initially planned to party.  So my baby shower was a little different than the baby showers of my friends in that my baby was there to be cute and sleepy at people, rather than being the under dress bump for people to speculate over.  As the party began to wind down I remember  sitting in my rocking chair, baby in lap and telling my friends “there is so much they just don’t tell you before you have a baby” my friends looked at me expectantly and asked “what don’t they tell you?” I sat there mind blank.  I could not think what to say next. 

But moving forward in time to the mall hang out I was able to put into words what a person one week into being a mom could not:

“I was too tired to tell you just how tired having a baby can make you”

One sleep deprivation induced hallucination I remember with particular clarity:  I was lying in my hospital bed; my baby lay in his bassinet to my right.  My head bobbed in that way it does when one is falling asleep sitting up. I was lying in my hospital bed; my baby lay in his bassinet to my left.  My head bobbed again. I was lying in my hospital bed; my baby lay in his bassinet to my right.  

It was like the room had mirrored itself and then righted its self in the time it took me to blink twice.

Another thing that seems sort of obvious now, but I really wish someone would have mentioned before the baby showed up has to do with breast feeding.  Get this: if this is your first baby, that makes two people trying to do something together that neither has any experience doing.  Sure the mom in the story may have the general idea of what she should do.  But guess who has no idea what’s going on and doesn't understand a word of what you are saying.  That’s right… a new baby has zero experience doing anything and has just had a rather rough day!  And now you are trying to teach a nonverbal person an important life skill.  How to eat: a trick that before today wasn't even a thing to consider is now vitally important, and a cure to this new malady called hunger, which is also no fun.  My baby angrily bit me as hard as his toothless mouth could, before he got the idea of how to make the milk come out.

To make a long story short.  Your baby is grumpy and does not know why you are sticking a boob in his face.  This does not make you a bad mom or mean that you have a defective baby.  It just means you two have a lot of learning to do together.  So give yourself a break.  Practice makes perfect.

I’m sure there is more that could be said on things you learn as you go, but nap-time is over so I must go.

“No Kidding”

I have a number of friends who do not have kids and do not intend to change that, ever.  And guess what. That is OK.  Not everyone is parenting material.  Now call me crazy if you must, but I think it is better to not be a parent than to be a bad parent.  If you don’t want to be a parent, then for the love of your non existent kids, don’t have any!  No one wants to feel unwanted, and to feel like your parents don’t want you would hurt most profoundly.  Don’t do that to any child.

That said maybe you are a “No Kidder” who is friends with someone who is now with kid.  Does this mean you can no longer be friends? No.   Will things change? Yes!

In the same way you would not want to be pressured or criticized for choosing not to procreate, giving your friends flack for adding to their household is equally off-putting.

“[But] I don’t care about your baby, and I’m sick of it filling up my news feed”

That’s ok.  You don’t have to follow all of your friends on facebook, that said unfriending someone for having a baby can come off as hurtful, especially if your friend is experiencing postpartum-depression  (a malady that they are not likely to fess up to right away if at all).  But you still don’t want the baby pictures, that’s ok. Go to your baby having friend’s  find the follow button an click that down to unfollow.  Tada!  Friendship saved and  unwanted baby clutter is gone.

But why is the new parent posting all this baby stuff?

Believe it or not, it’s by request! Furthermore, your baby having friend has likely had it communicated to them by countless baby enthusiastic friends and family to keep the baby pictures coming. (No such thing as too many baby pictures I’ve been told by a few)

Now how does a “No Kidder” deal with a kid having friend?

Now how do you deal with it when any friend has found a new: hobby / TV show / interest, which you have no interest in?  Say that’s nice and redirect the conversation to something you both can enjoy.  :)

Believe it or not new parents still like the things they used to like, even if their priorities have shifted.  As a mom I get plenty of baby related talk from my local mother’s club, and I would be more than happy to discuss some topic more relevant to you with you.

Not here though, here is my mommy blog.  ;)

Basically you don't baby bash and I will not baby push. Deal? 

Talking About Sex

“When are you going to have kids?”   This is a much more personal question than it may seem at first blush.  And so far my favorite answer I've ever heard tell of is “Nine months from tonight!”

I like it not because I think it’s a serious answer but rather because it implies a blatant over share.  That should make the person who asked feel uncomfortable.  I mean really, ask an overly personal question, get an overly personal answer.

When are you going to have kids sex?

Wow really you want to know when I plan to have unprotected sex?  Unless you are the person I’m going to have sex with I fail to see how it is any concern of yours when I have sex and whether or not I aim for it to be “fruitful”.

There are a lot of things to consider when it comes to starting a family.  Finances being high on the list.   Kids are expensive, and a massive time commitment.   If you are not going to be supporting this theoretical baby what makes you think your opinion on the matter is wanted or needed? Can you afford child care? Can you afford to quit your job? Do you have someone you actually trust who is willing to care for your child free of charge (for how long?)?  If the answers to these questions is failing to inspire confidence...  You might want to spring for a condom or any other form of birth control.

And on the topic of birth control, I don’t understand why the GOP seems to think safe sex is only for the promiscuous.  It’s also for married people who don’t want their family to grow indefinitely but also don’t want to live a married life of celibacy.  We don’t live in the bad old days where child mortality rates were high enough to warrant having seven or more kids with the hope that some would survive to adult hood.  I would also like to point out that it takes two to make a baby and so to say the entire process is all on the woman…  would be like a farmer trying to gloss over the fact that seeds were needed for the new crop to come in.

²   ²   ²   ²   ²

I remember when I told my mother in-law that we were expecting. “About damn time!” was her response.  WTF?!?!?  I know my husband and I had gotten married in 2008 and waited until 2012 to give her this happy news… but seriously what did she want from me?  I wanted to finish school before getting pregnant because I feel like one source of sleep deprivation is enough for me.

Somehow my having a baby was about her!  Hell no!

Allow me to make one thing crystal clear.  When someone is having a baby, the star of the show is the baby and the costar(s) are the parent(s).  Roll credits no one gives a shit about the guest stars and extras.   

It's not about how you became a grandparent, an aunt or an uncle. And it is definitely not about you if you are a coworker of a new parent, or a friend of a new parent.  

Allow me to reiterate:  becoming a parent is about the biggest life change you can make and you are still the footnote. Becoming a parent means the show is no longer all about you, you've been upstaged by your baby. Try not to get too jealous. ;)   

Disclaimer:

I am not a medical professional in any field; nor do I have teaching credentials.  In fact the list of things that I am not is too long and boring for me to continue in this vein.

  So here I will instead list some relevant details and some fun facts  about myself:
I received my black belt in Taekwondo in 2005, an AA in liberal arts in 2008, I also got married in 2008.  I got my BA in Drama in 2011 and became a home owner.  Finally the bit that makes me feel like I have something relevant to say on this topic, 2012 I became a mom.

This blog will mostly be about the mom aspect about mother hood than the baby aspect.   What does this mean?  Well there are a lot of books and materials out there to tell you what to do and what not to do with a baby.  This is all well and good but really I don't feel like tell you how to be a mom.  (With any luck, you have that bit down.)  To put it simply this will mostly be for your benefit which is tangentially related to your possible offspring but babies can't read and so this blog is not going to be for them.  This is for you.

Who is this "you" of whom I type?
He or She is:
The new parent
The friend of the new parent
The family of the new parent
And yes even the you who wants nothing to do with children and has decided never to have any

Woah there!  Why did you let that last group in?
I have friends who don't want to have children of there own and that's ok with me.  You don't have to be a parent to be my friend.

To the people who do not have kids, don't want to have kids, and are kind of getting sick of all this kid stuff filling up there news feeds I have some tips and hints for you as well.  So that you don't have to pick between being true to yourself and dealing with your crazy kid having friends.

To the people who are friends with people who are not on the kid train (so to speak) all I have to say to you is stay calm! It's ok.  

To ALL
It is rude as hell to try and interfere with the sex lives of others! If you are not sharing a bed with someone then you have no place telling them what you think they should be doing in bed!